Dear Doctor Ski

I raise a touchy subject regarding the declining quality and attitude of newcomers attempting to gain entry to the wonderful world we inhabit. I speak of course about Planet Skiing.

Now, as is understood by those fortunate enough to share our passion, the art (and it truly is an art) of skiing is ultimately a calling, nee, a philosophy that can only be learned by years of study and self sacrifice. It must be treated with suitable respect and seriousness. Indeed it deserves to be placed upon a pedestal as far as ‘life goals’ are concerned. After years if not decades of education by those that have preceded us, a lucky few are allowed to move forward on their journey of enlightenment and are permitted to enter the fabled ‘Halls of Antwerper’. This is merely a small step along the path that is known as ‘MasteringtheSport’, and few, if any have climbed this mighty peak. Indeed, each step along this pathway becomes more difficult to attain as opposed to easier. From ‘Antwerper’ to ‘Landlubber’ to ‘Fartlicker’ and thence to the fabled and rarely seen ‘Skifarter’. These are truly heights that we can only dream of, never to be attained.
However once one has started on the path and managed to attain ‘Antwertness’, you are permitted to start spreading the word with sympathetic tuition and gentle demonstrations of the simpler techniques and philosophies. This early ‘spreading of the light’ is something to be treated with due deference by both master and disciple. The first steps along this path must be delicate and to fall by the wayside can be all too easy.
As you can imagine, those closest to you are the ones you most wish to start on this journey. Indeed they may have watched in awe as they saw you make your own way along this path.
This brings me to my opening statement.


As those of us who are travelling the pathway have learnt, a vital early skill is that of ‘freestyle’ or ‘dismounting with grace’. My latest, although sadly, possibly my final student, who shall be known as ‘Her who must be obeyed (HWMBO)’ had shown promise on the first day, but by the 4th day, no advancement had been made. I decided that help was needed. A bright and sunny morning was our welcome on the early slopes of Gam-Pen and my plan was hatched. Skiing towards my beloved HWMBO, I felt if passed close at great velocity, the shock of a close encounter would be enough to initiate freestyle. GENIUS!!!. So gathering speed with the grace of a slightly chubby Capricorn I took my aim and turned just before impact to induce ‘freestyle’ . Success! As i sped away I heard the gentle clatter of skis departing from boots accompanied by gentle swearing. Now it may be that there might have been the mildest of ski to ski contact, if so, it would have been accidental………..
So my horror and dismay on returning to a prone HWMBO to hear the language being directed at me, lets just say the second word was ‘ knobjocky’. Where was the gratitude, where was the admiration for helping her to progress. All I received after that was a stony silence broken only by the sounds of slurped Big John red wine……
At this point I realised I could take this no more and have retired to my mountain hut in the hills of Cambridge vowing never to teach again

Can you help me Dr Ski?

Dear Twerp

Forgive me for the delay in answering your question but I fell asleep half a dozen times wading through the 'Brochash' which comprises the greater part of your email, I confess it had me considering the prospect of 'self sacrifice' as the only way out on more than one occasion. 
As I understand it you have some sort of marital problems and thought the training given to budding ski instructors might be of some help getting you out of the deep stuff, have I got that right?
The bit which is causing me most confusion is the idea that wiping out this young lady, who is clearly a beginner, is going to result in some sort of instantaneous skiing enlightenment? In my view the only thing that might be instantaneous is the involuntary filling of her salopettes.
I really don't think I'm the type of Doctor you need but if the young lady in question feels brave enough for a return to the slopes I would be happy to take her through one or two of the finer points, perhaps over a glass of that Big John.

Aufwiedersehen

Dr Ski