Dear Dr Ski,

I am planning on participating in this year's Weisse Rausch and wonder if you have any tips for me?

There will be quite a few people I know in the race and I want to make sure I beat all of them.  After all, I am a better skier than any of them.

I have heard if I start with the lead group and attack hard, it will really help me get a good head start.  Do you agree?

And apparently there's a short uphill section.  I don't really like climbing.  Is there any way I can miss this bit out?

Since the winners seem to finish in around 9 minutes and I should be close to the front, I'm thinking it's more of a sprint than an endurance event.  Do you have any recommendations on the type of training I should be doing?  I'm thinking more short and sharp, rather than long and steady, would this be right?

How big is the mound of snow at the end of the race likely to be?  It's only I have a little problem with heights so I hope it's not too big.

Also, do you think I need to prepare a few words for when I am interviewed at the end?  It will be okay to speak English, won't it?

Looking forward to hearing your professional views.

Hughes Twinner

Dear Twinner
Thank you for your enquiry, I was about to file it with the rest of the Müll when it occurred to me that there might be some genuine help I could offer the 'would be' amateur competitor. Firstly you must understand the mentality of the professional racer, if you said to last year's winner of the Hahnenkamm 'If you cut off your left testicle it will take a tenth off your time' his only question would be 'If I have them both off will I save two tenths?'
If, as you suggest, you start with the lead group and attack hard the only thing you are likely to get is a helicopter to the local infirmary and that certainly doesn't qualify as 'a good head start' in my book.
As I haven't had the advantage of seeing you ski, it is impossible to say whether you are better or worse than your fellow competitors but as a rough rule of thumb I use the following formula for assessing racing potential:
Did you start skiing age 3?
Did you start racing age 5?
Are both your parents past World Cup Downhill champions?
Are you under 25?
Have you had a full frontal lobotomy?
If you can answer 'yes' to all the above you might finish in the top 50.
If you can't answer yes to all the above take the following advice:
Find your friends skis and coat the bases in cross country wax.
Encourage them to start at the front whilst you creep to the very back away from the carnage they will cause at the start.
By the time your friends are at the bottom of the climb you should be halfway down Happy Valley.
Good Luck

Dr Ski 
PS this phrase might come in handy if you can still speak after you cross the line: 
'Bitte lass mich nicht dies immer wieder tun'
(it translates to 'please don't let me do this ever again')