Dear Dr.Ski

I wonder if you can be of help? I am trying to perfect a formula to equate the joys of touring to the benefits of the ski that normally follows. I am sure that you being an avid fan of touring will be able to help me in this regard. I have three factors that I think should be used in my formula - The P factor where P of course stand for the PLEASURE of the walk up, In addition to this (and after recent experiences) I think that there should also be a C factor where C is for the quality of the CLIMB that you have to do after walking for a mere 2 or 3 hours. Another factor is the S factor which is for the quality of the SKI that comes after the other two factors - however occasionally the S factor may be optional as in my long experience of touring there is not always something that can be likened to a Ski. Now, I am aware that a learned optical professor friend of mine is also putting together a formula to rival mine!! He also uses the P, C & S factors but my spies tell me they refer to different things??! I believe that the P factor is something to do with the number of stops that he has to make en route to the summit, the C factor is a little confusing as I am not sure if it relates to more stops en route (just for different reasons) or for what he wants do to himself whilst making the slight climb at the end of the short hike. I think however that the answer to this could be deduced by his P factor which I am told relates to PAPER which he now feels the need to have with him at all times when touring. I am wondering if in order to distance myself from this rival formula if I should add another couple of factors?? I was thinking about a G factor - This is for Georg as I now realise that when including the G factor in a tour there are consequences! Should I also include a V factor where V would be for the view you receive at the top of the final climb (sheer gulleys and wind packed snow and side views of aircraft)? I do hope that you can help Dr Ski, I apologise for any spelling mistakes but since yesterdays little hike I have hardly slept a wink - I think that this is due to the excitement of it all - maybe I should include an E factor???

All the best
Mr A.Tourer

Dear Mr. Tourer
Thank you for your interesting, if long winded, question relating to the formula for touring, firstly please put me and my technical team out of our misery, are we correct in thinking what your initial A stands for?............ I have often described touring as a suitable hobby for those with no mates and one leg shorter than the other, 'no wonder you've taken to it like a duck to water' I hear your critics say but we do not wholeheartedly agree, we detect a not so subtle 'tongue in cheek' element to your enquiry, however we are bound by professional ethics to treat all questions as genuine. There is a man in India who has pierced his body with 1,298 six inch long needles, including 34 through his testicular sack, I think that sums up the mentality required to enjoy touring but for those still in doubt try this little excercise, put on your heaviest pair of boots, strap a five foot length of floorboard to each foot and pull on a 15 kilo backpack now walk from one side of the Pennines to the other, if you enjoyed that then you've found the formula for touring, hope that helps.
Regards
Dr Ski