Even Dr Ski has holidays 

Dear Dr Ski

I enclose a video clip of myself and a few friends preparing to go on a short ski tour, along with some notes I made about various aspects relating to skiing off piste. In the video you will see that the guide decided to abandon the idea and advised us to seek a better understanding of what is required, hence my enquiry with your good self.

Tally Ho

A Twerp  

Ahhh.....Twerp

Before we begin I think we need to establish a few things, having viewed the video clip I called in the rest of the technical team here at PIS, I know it's not very professional but I think it's fair to say we fell about laughing, I feel bound to ask 'Are you taking the PIS?'

Let's assume this is a serious enquiry, as I said to the team here 'to be honest you couldn't make it up' here are the key points:

1 Would you consider taking your life in your hands with someone who couldn't find their avalanche transciever in their back pack, let alone find you in a slide?

2 Would you consider climbing a mountain with a 'buddy' who clearly isn't familiar with the required equipment, can you imagine standing below a steep face and your friend saying 'what's with the rope and cleats?' If your video is to be believed at least half the group couldn't work out how the skis, bindings and skins worked?

3 Would you consider undertaking a multiple climb with a colleague who tosses their protective headgear away at the first opportunity?

4 You might accuse us of 'nitpicking' here but would you really consider embarking on a climb with skis and skins with, not one, but 3 members of the team who can't make an effective turn to either left or right?

5 Finally, as someone who is considered to be a world renowned expert on all things skiing, I would expect everyone I take to the slopes with to have equipment that meets the highest safety standards. A backpack that contains a minimum of shovel and probe, in your case a paperback book and some sarnies just won't do. Last but by no means least and, pertinent to your proposed tour, it might sound obvious that the skins should fit the skis you are skiing on not the skis in your locker - always worth remembering.

I don't think you or any of your friends would consider crossing a busy motorway blindfolded, think carefully before you venture off piste again........please.

Flabbergasted

 

Dr Ski    

 Dear Dr Ski

I'm not one for idle gossip but the attached video clip seems to flag up the type of unsavoury antics which in our hayday would have been firmly locked in the closet. What makes it even more worrying is, that rumour has it, the one in the blue jacket is in fact your good self.......care to comment?

Colonel Bumtickler MBE

My Dear Bumtickler

I hardly think the skiing exercise being demonstrated in the video clip is anything other than a test in co-ordination skills performed at the highest level by a pair of expert skiers.

'nuff said

 Dr Ski

 Dear Dr Ski

I am desperate to go skiing as soon as it is physically possible, I want to be there with my friends (lucky buggers).  If you hear of any fancy ideas to smuggle me in, please let me know.  I may not be a small package but I am flexible.

Gagging for a few turns

The Biggun

My Dear Graham (may I call you that?)

I've been giving your cunning plan some thought, I also ran the idea past one or two of those who have made it 'under the wire', so to speak, and are now enjoying the deserted slopes of St Anton.

In terms of disguise, it is our considered opinion, that nobody, anywhere, seems to have a firm grip on who is allowed to travel freely throughout the UK and Europe and who is not. The only certainty seems to be that anyone dressed in full PPE is indistinguishable from any other person dressed the same way, regardless of size (v.important in your particular case) and that anyone dressed in full PPE is considered to be carrying out some important task and therefore every effort should be made to assist an easy passage for these individuals.

Whilst I cannot directly aid or advise you in this matter, I leave you to draw your own conclusions, suffice to say that 'a nod's as good as a wink to a blind Buffalo' (in your case) and if and when you cross the border in full disguise,  commandeer the first ambulance you see with Psychiatrisches Krankenhaus on the side, the rest should be a piece of cake.

I can hardly wait

 

Dr Ski

  

Dear Doctor Ski

I raise a touchy subject regarding the declining quality and attitude of newcomers attempting to gain entry to the wonderful world we inhabit. I speak of course about Planet Skiing.

Now, as is understood by those fortunate enough to share our passion, the art (and it truly is an art) of skiing is ultimately a calling, nee, a philosophy that can only be learned by years of study and self sacrifice. It must be treated with suitable respect and seriousness. Indeed it deserves to be placed upon a pedestal as far as ‘life goals’ are concerned. After years if not decades of education by those that have preceded us, a lucky few are allowed to move forward on their journey of enlightenment and are permitted to enter the fabled ‘Halls of Antwerper’. This is merely a small step along the path that is known as ‘MasteringtheSport’, and few, if any have climbed this mighty peak. Indeed, each step along this pathway becomes more difficult to attain as opposed to easier. From ‘Antwerper’ to ‘Landlubber’ to ‘Fartlicker’ and thence to the fabled and rarely seen ‘Skifarter’. These are truly heights that we can only dream of, never to be attained.
However once one has started on the path and managed to attain ‘Antwertness’, you are permitted to start spreading the word with sympathetic tuition and gentle demonstrations of the simpler techniques and philosophies. This early ‘spreading of the light’ is something to be treated with due deference by both master and disciple. The first steps along this path must be delicate and to fall by the wayside can be all too easy.
As you can imagine, those closest to you are the ones you most wish to start on this journey. Indeed they may have watched in awe as they saw you make your own way along this path.
This brings me to my opening statement.


As those of us who are travelling the pathway have learnt, a vital early skill is that of ‘freestyle’ or ‘dismounting with grace’. My latest, although sadly, possibly my final student, who shall be known as ‘Her who must be obeyed (HWMBO)’ had shown promise on the first day, but by the 4th day, no advancement had been made. I decided that help was needed. A bright and sunny morning was our welcome on the early slopes of Gam-Pen and my plan was hatched. Skiing towards my beloved HWMBO, I felt if passed close at great velocity, the shock of a close encounter would be enough to initiate freestyle. GENIUS!!!. So gathering speed with the grace of a slightly chubby Capricorn I took my aim and turned just before impact to induce ‘freestyle’ . Success! As i sped away I heard the gentle clatter of skis departing from boots accompanied by gentle swearing. Now it may be that there might have been the mildest of ski to ski contact, if so, it would have been accidental………..
So my horror and dismay on returning to a prone HWMBO to hear the language being directed at me, lets just say the second word was ‘ knobjocky’. Where was the gratitude, where was the admiration for helping her to progress. All I received after that was a stony silence broken only by the sounds of slurped Big John red wine……
At this point I realised I could take this no more and have retired to my mountain hut in the hills of Cambridge vowing never to teach again

Can you help me Dr Ski?

Dear Twerp

Forgive me for the delay in answering your question but I fell asleep half a dozen times wading through the 'Brochash' which comprises the greater part of your email, I confess it had me considering the prospect of 'self sacrifice' as the only way out on more than one occasion. 
As I understand it you have some sort of marital problems and thought the training given to budding ski instructors might be of some help getting you out of the deep stuff, have I got that right?
The bit which is causing me most confusion is the idea that wiping out this young lady, who is clearly a beginner, is going to result in some sort of instantaneous skiing enlightenment? In my view the only thing that might be instantaneous is the involuntary filling of her salopettes.
I really don't think I'm the type of Doctor you need but if the young lady in question feels brave enough for a return to the slopes I would be happy to take her through one or two of the finer points, perhaps over a glass of that Big John.

Aufwiedersehen

Dr Ski   

Dear Dr Ski

As you can see from the enclosed photograph even us supremely talented skiers can have an bad day, that's me in the canary yellow outfit, cool or what? In retrospect some might say I didn't heed the warning signs, the very first day I took to the slopes I had a funny feeling in my knee, made worse when I laddered my tights putting that gross knee support on, grey's just not my colour worn next to the skin. Next thing, bugger me, I pull a shoulder muscle shampooing my recently acquired curly locks, God I could hardly put my mascara on straight it hurt so much.
Anyway, I digress, my question to you relates to safety, would you consider it safe to ski off piste when you can't see past the end of your nose? Perhaps more precisely, would you consider it safe to ski off piste when the person behind you can't see past the end of his nose or you lying prostrate in a wind scooped snow hole?

Yours, nursing an almost terminally bruised wrist and an ugly laceration to my new suit.

JB

Dear JB

Safety is a subject close to my heart these days, too often I see reckless behaviour both on and off piste, however there is no reason why you shouldn't ski in limited visibility provided you follow a few golden rules.

1. Never follow someone else's tracks into unknown terrain, those tracks may belong to some freerider looking for a drop off to jump.

2. Always ski well within your capability, never feel you have to push the bar, just to impress your friends.

3. Make sure you ski behind anyone who looks like they might scythe you down at the first opportunity.

4. Never wear Canary yellow, it makes you an easy target.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, those shampooing injuries can linger, it could be weeks before you have full use of your hairdryer again.

Dr Ski       

Yer a'right our Doc
I don't want any trouble see but I need to find out what the chuffin' 'eck I should do, don't I? So I tried this Off Piste Skiing malarky, didn't I? Tourin' they call it, I'm telling yer, more like friggin' torture if you ask me, yer know what I mean? Anyway, we get to the top and I get me air bag sorted, don't I, that's me in the photo, then this posh old get next to me, Herr friggin' Dresser, he calls himself, starts having a friggin' go, doesn't he?
'We don't actually discharge our air bag unless we are caught in an avalanche' 
'You tellin' me what to do, are yer? If we weren't outside, I'd take you outside, yer know-it-all friggin' pouf.'
Thing is if we waited for the friggin' avalanche to happen, it'd be too late, wouldn't it eh? We'd be six foot under the friggin' snow trying to blow up the friggin' bag, wouldn't we?
I told 'em, didn't I? That's when the pair of 'em jumped me, didn't they? Before you could say 'Ferry Across The Mersey' Herr friggin' Dresser and his poodle, Daniel, dragged me to the friggin' floor and insisted on repacking me friggin' bag and you know what happened next? Don't yer eh? I say 'What if I'm caught in a friggin' avalanche now, can I still blow up the bag?' 
You know what the friggin' poufs said eh, eh?
'I'm afraid not, you've already discharged your gas canister.'
'A'right, a'right that's sound, I go under the snow and no one gives a friggin' toss, just one less Scouser, is that it?'
You put 'em straight our Doc, pair'a shites, safety friggin' first or what? You know what they call me now? Air Bag Tommy, yer know what they're gonna friggin' get eh?, ABT and his friggin' baseball bat, that's what, a'right?
You get it sorted a'right?
ABT

Dear Tommy
Calm down, calm down, I think it's fair to say you have a point but an air bag takes less than three seconds to inflate, so under almost any circumstances you would have time to pull the handle before disaster strikes. Once discharged, you can no longer inflate the bag until you buy a new canister or have it recharged. My first thought when I saw your photo was that some unfortunate accident had occurred resulting in you setting off your air bag whilst standing on the piste. Silly me, of course you engaged the gas charge on purpose, wanting to ensure you had employed every safety measure available, I've never had the pleasure of visiting Liverpool but I have it on good authority that anyone planning to spend time in the city would be well paid to do the same.
On a separate note I'm sorry to hear you didn't enjoy the touring, one or two of your colleagues have been in touch and the only advice I can offer is that you must trust your equipment and your 'skins' in particular, crawling up on your hands and knees must have been very tiring indeed however it's still no excuse for attempting to turn your guide into a kebab by skewering him with your ski pole.

A'right
Dr Ski